Monday, April 30, 2012

I thought about this shit… I thought about how I would deal w/ the shit,

I thought about this shit… I thought about how I would deal w/ the shit, address the shit, and get through the shit… and secretly hoped/prayed/wished/ and would have paid big money for the shit to just stay away…

Saturday it happened… I was in a complete funk fog or foggy funk. (I SO want to use the f bomb here)

I was hoping the more beer I drank the more sense my feelings would make to me = Did NOT work.

I was hoping the busier I kept myself packing, going through closets, and stuff I haven’t touched since I bought the house (Aug 11) would drive the pit out of my stomach = Did NOT work.

How in the hell at age 36 do I become such a pansy? (yes, another avoidance of a really bad word)

I’m 36, I’ve been a single parent across the USA from family, in the Air Force, scraping by on my paycheck of an E-3… volunteering for a position 2 ranks ahead of mine, at the PENTAGON.. Driving to Washington DC from Sacramento, CA, packing up an entire house hold of goods, as a single parent…. Where did I get those brass balls?

I did it! I got the special duty assignment, drove across the US, started my home at Bolling AFB, DC, as a single parent.. I’ll never forget the first drive into work. I was driving through the not so pretty at the time part of SE and then I got onto the East/West freeway.. Reading all the exit signs, glancing at all the memorials, checking out the river, and struggling to keep the lump in my throat and avoid calling my mom because I was so intimidated… I looked up and saw the sign for Pentagon – South Parking – North Parking, Go back idiot you missed it. The building was enormous and scared the shit out of me. Parking and walking into the Pentagon I had a feeling I thought I would never feel again. I mean seriously, what else could be SO intimidating for a girl from a little coal mining town in southwestern PA? But i did it... for years, I loved it! I walked around as if I had a set of brass balls!

Well, I’ll tell ya… apparently as you get older, you think, you think WAY too hard, you allow other peoples’ thoughts and views to take up valuable SANE space in your brain and heart and belly….

Seriously WHERE ARE MY BALLS now?

Saturday (and Sunday) I hate you, I never want to feel you again!

I DO tend to schedule various life crises at the same time.
  • Separation/divorce
  • Switching companies (same job, different person writing check)
  • Signing Bonus/leaving a company after 9.5years
  • Negotiating leave balances
  • Ensuring medical coverage for my surgery in Aug
  • Custody/visitation
  • A teenager whose life DOES and SHOULD go on as normal
  • Moving offices (gov’t move, not associated w/ company switch, I work on gov site)
  • Selling a motorcycle on CL – crazy scammers and stupid people wasting my time
  • This crazy ass poison that is still all over my body and itching me to death

Where are my BALLS now?  I need them back!

Funny story break – at Sunday School yesterday the teacher asked for prayer concerns. I’ve never asked for prayers for myself and I was very nervous just thinking about saying something.  A few seconds later, words were coming from my mouth, not making any sense, and I’m not even sure the words waited for other people to stop talking. I felt that funny way you feel when you make a weird face because you tasted something bad.. but the bad taste was the words as they exited my mouth.  I asked for prayers because.. and then I mumbled some weird stuff that I do not even remember, then finished up w/ “because I’m a single parent again, and I ‘d like to have some strength and some courage, does that sound right?

That was enough to confirm that I indeed had one heck of a day Saturday and Sunday (to come). 

Saturday I missed G terribly. I yearned for the constant reminder that I AM and WILL continue to be a great mom, provider, and friend.

Sunday I missed G terrible as well. I went to Sunday School AND Church, waited for the hours to go by until she was home. I still felt sick, overwhelmed, scared. I called my mom. I couldn't even get a word out of my mouth, the lump in my throat was smashing my airways... she just started talking though.. she and my nephew were very sick and just returned from the ER and Urgent Care... My feelings suddenly weren't as bad as they felt prior to talking to her

Sunday evening was better, my G was home, I was starting to feel a little more confident.. and went to bed early. Poor N was fussy from 12-2 but eventually feel back asleep... and today is Monday. 
Today is Monday! By default, items from the above list will fall off.  
  • Teenager is home
  • Bike will be sold by 7pm tonight
  • Written notice to both companies tomorrow
  • Office move next Monday
  • Paychecks w/ large bonuses will arrive end of May
  • Poison should be going away soon (really hope so)

(Wheew, I was ALL over the place up there! I had to get it out.)

So, what happened Jenn? Who is this new person who has feelings of angst, anxiety, and fear? 

Well, I'll tell ya... a completely UN-MEDICATED lunatic w/o balls! 

Before today is over, I will have THEM along w/ enough sanity to get me through each day!


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