Wednesday, May 30, 2012

I am thankful, grateful, and loved! Xoxo!

Has it really been over 10 days since I posted anything on my blog? It can’t be true! In my head, I post on here at least every day, sometimes 2 times a day.  

I bought this over the holiday weekend w/ my amazing paycheck from my previous company… I had over 36 days of unused vacation days. 

 Then the gilt kicked in, happens every single time I buy something for myself, or something that’s not for the girls or someone else. I should mention, I also bought a canopy, 4 patio chairs to go w/ a wrought iron table, an umbrella for same table, lawnmower, inflatable pool, deck plant ($22 bucks, never before have I spent that much money on a plant), wood for parts of the deck that needed replaced.

Previously I have found myself sitting on an empty deck, being eaten alive by mosquitoes, imagining deck bling.

Now, I have deck bling. I LOVE it. L.O.V.E it! Like “I found a new boyfriend” kind of like! That’s how much I love the deck!!

It’s the little things that make me happy now a-days! And by little, I mean bling for a deck, a lawnmower; shit I always had or never thought I would need. (Or that would make me so happy)

Another realization, with the sudden happiness and satisfaction of “little” things, my life seems to be a little simpler, a little easier.

Or maybe the lack of stress allows the real, meaningful and purposeful moments to be more evident or present to me.  Whatever it is, instead of over-analyzing it, I’m going to enjoy it and embrace each second.

I am proud of myself! And if I didn’t have an extra 30 pounds on me from having another baby, I would probably pat myself on the back. But I don’t want to see my arm over my head at the moment. (I used to be able to do a lot before the 2nd baby)

Even though I’m a single mom, I own my house, my bills are current/paid, my girls do not “want” anything w/in reason that I cannot provide for them, I have an amazing job that allows me to switch companies and do the same exact thing for more money and a bonus from both companies. I have wonderful friends. I have new friends who are equally wonderful. My dog still licks my face when I get home from work. My oldest cleans when she wants something. (I think this is so cute) and my baby thinks the world of me.

We have an amazing church with an amazing church family who has helped me learn A LOT, too many things to type actually. I have grown personally and spiritually SO much in the past 5 months. I pray; I thank GOD for the good and the not so good times in my life. Sometimes the gift of free will… gets the best of me. But thankfully I know where I’m supposed to be and I’m very fortunate to have people in my life to help me and guide me if I lose my ground.

We’re not supposed to go through our life by ourselves.  By nature I’m fiercely independent and it has taken me 3 marriages, a sabbatical from my family in PA, 2 kids, some very deep dark moments, bad judgment, horrible mistakes, drunken nights and even a lot of days, to realize that I’m not as big as I think I am. It’s not a weakness to share your burdens, and it’s not a contest to help others before yourself, and when you fall to your knees… it’s NOT an accident; you’re there for a reason, a purpose. Stay there for a while and let it go, you won’t be sorry!

I am thankful, grateful, and loved! Xoxo!

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