Tuesday, March 20, 2012

A letter to my FOOLISH dear nephew and my condolences on your wedding.

Dear nephew, and your new wifey (soon to be grandma right?)

My only advice to you is DRINK, drink often, and WORK hard and long, work to get away from home... Soon you will wake up and look at yourself in the mirror and ask.. "what the FUCK was I thinking"? It's true, you are the same age as I was when I got married... but we left for the Air Force, we didn't head for the hills and play house w/ a ready made family.

Statistically speaking, your marriage will not last for three reasons: 1- the age difference with regards to gender. 2- your gram/wife should be knocking on menopause's door very very soon (hormones are killer) and you're too young to deal w/ it. Seriously, your first rodeo w/ hormones should be with the mother of your child,  not your wife who will soon go through her change of life.  3- you're a good lookin man... Soon, a young attractive, educated, and secure, woman, will peak your interest and BOOM, that's all it'll take. You'll book it outta her house/hotel faster than she can get get off her back (which is where i hear she is most comfy) and hopefully it's a rainy day and her arthritis is flaring up. (she won't be able to catch a young spry man like yourself)

Realistically, at this point in your life, you should be living w/ other bachelor friends, in Morgantown, WV or somewhere close to your work, going out on weekends or after work, meeting all sorts of people your age. Dating here and there, going camping and hunting. Vacationing often, buying stuff you don't necessarily need but can afford, choosing your first brand new huge honkin Ford F350 diesel, I'll kick or drive over your ass kind of truck!!  Not playing house so that Angie can steal all your money and bribe you into raising her GRANDCHILD!

Seriously, you have been taken for granted, the very heavy and thick wool has been pulled over your eyes. And as I was when I was 19/20, I KNEW EVERYTHING. and the more people pushed me the faster i ran towards disaster.  You my dear have come close to breaking the sound barrier. Your nickname should be Sonic Slack or something like that. (hey, if not for my humor, I'll become famous for my rap skilz)

Lastly, to each their own. You will learn at your own pace, and you will react accordingly.

However I had to say my piece, did you really think Aunt Jenn could sit here and keep quiet? With all these material you've placed in my lap, I can't fathom why Jerry Springer's staff hasn't knocked on my door yet.

I will definitely have to pray to God, I totally fell OFF the wagon and let my emotions get the best of me and take over my fingers as I typed this.

I know this will make you angry, It should, NOT because I said something about your gram/wife but because deep down inside YOU know you're better, smarter, and you should have done things differently. You may not understand this now because she's clearly marketed herself as the "place to be" but underneath that stubborn physique your have a heart that's larger than anyone I know. You have the unfortunate desire to SAVE everyone even if that means hurting yourself in the process... Meet your Aunt Jenn, I learned that the hard way as well. Pap and Gram LOVE you SO much. Please be careful around them and please take some extra precautions regarding their feelings, so that Pap doesn't have another heart attack! Remember they are MY parents and secondly YOUR grand parents. We, your mom, myself, YOU, Genesis and Zach all OWE it to them, to live a relaxing life, and enjoy their retirement. They are not officials or referees. Do not force them into either of those positions.

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