Kid-less chaos – this is the kind of chaos you create ALL by yourself and you cannot blame the little's for ANY of it.

Kid-less chaos – this is the kind of chaos you create ALL by yourself and you cannot blame the little's for ANY of it.

Wednesday evening to Thursday morning – this is MY time; my time where flexibility and spontaneity are OK and welcome, to a degree.  I have zero commitments Wednesday afternoon and no daycare pick up. Usually this kid-less time allows me to clean up the toddler tornado that swept through my house and catch up on laundry and relax. (note: the teen is here of course, but she’s self-sufficient in a toddler way, make sense?) Thursday mornings I have time to wake up early and have coffee or do whatever without having to wake up and dress and feed a toddler for daycare.

Last week was special, special like if bars were open at 7am I would have decided to work from the bar, special like if there weren’t just as much traffic on 95 south as there were on 95 north I would’ve turned around and gone home like I was leaving the bus stop on a winter morning day.

I woke up at 5am to read, watch the news, and drink coffee in peace.  I did. I got dressed and was feeling pretty damn pretty regarding my outfit choice (that was laid out the night before because I have time to prepare on Wed evenings). I walked out the door a little later than normal because I’m sans kids. Insanity started about 15 minutes down the road. I mean serious insanity.

I looked down, don’t ask why or how I thought looking at my crotch was something I needed to do while sitting at a stop light.. nonetheless, I looked down and saw that my “new” pants were SPLIT. I saw my underwear kind of split. I thought maybe I could handle it but why on earth would I assume THAT much risk right? Ugh, I turned the car around knowing that this detour would cause me to be too late to arrive at the slug line in time to get a ride. Regardless, I HAD to.

Of course, getting ready for a second time will NOT be as smooth as the first time. After 20 minutes of flinging shirts and skirts and dresses from my close to the bed, I finally found a really tight black skirt that is most likely from my 15 year olds closet. Got back in the car to start the commute all over again. Except I KNOW I’m LATE and I will most likely be too late to catch a ride. This time, the radio was louder and the traffic worse. I drove and sang and drove and sang ALL THE WAY TO DAYCARE! Which is about 10 minutes away from my destination, slug lot. Yes, I was at daycare ready to drop off… NO ONE! I didn’t have a toddler w/ me. I checked the back seat, the car seat, and even the passenger seat, no toddler. I was not going to forget her if she were in the car. I checked a few times more.

Back on my way, this time even later than before. This time the music was even louder and I was crying I was so damn mad at myself.

I was thinking, I should have quit hours ago and stayed home.  

Finally arrived at the commuter lot, parked my car in a parking space that I created. It’s located about 4 spots after the last spot in the row. It happens ALL the time, everyday but if anyone gets towed.. they will start with my car.

Walked up to the slug line to Arlington and joined 3 other folks at 7:30am. There’s about an 85% chance we’re not getting a ride and I will be forced to drive in the main lanes w/ millions of people who have been sitting there forever festering. No way, a car pulls up and tells all 4 of us to get in. And yes, who gets to sit in the middle in the back seat as if I were 10 years old? You guessed it, this girl. I sat on what seemed to be an egg, with my legs off to one side over the hump on the floor, and even rubbed arms w/ a lady who also wore a sleeveless shirt. My bear arm rested on hers the entire ride into Arlington. The guy on my left was comfy enough to fall asleep 17,458 times and his greasy head kept falling on my left shoulder. I could not wait to get into Arlington. And my goodness we got there fast because the woman drove NO LESS than 80 mph. Good job girl, get it done, get us into town as fast as possible because we are stuffed like sardines back here.

We arrived at the metro in record time and of course the city air is stained w/ urine. Seriously Arlington VA smells more like pee than anything else these hot humid days.

Eventually I arrived at the other end of commute and a wonderful man in a big black truck picked me up and drove me the rest of the way to work.

Mission complete! The morning chaos is over. I may be thirsty, hungry, hate my outfit, late, I have frizzy hair, my shoes are smashed in my bag, water bottle leaked, but I’m at work and that was the goal.

I am thankful, grateful, and loved! Xoxo!

Has it really been over 10 days since I posted anything on my blog? It can’t be true! In my head, I post on here at least every day, sometimes 2 times a day.  

I bought this over the holiday weekend w/ my amazing paycheck from my previous company… I had over 36 days of unused vacation days. 

(www.walmart.com)

 Then the gilt kicked in, happens every single time I buy something for myself, or something that’s not for the girls or someone else. I should mention, I also bought a canopy, 4 patio chairs to go w/ a wrought iron table, an umbrella for same table, lawnmower, inflatable pool, deck plant ($22 bucks, never before have I spent that much money on a plant), wood for parts of the deck that needed replaced.

Previously I have found myself sitting on an empty deck, being eaten alive by mosquitoes, imagining deck bling.

Now, I have deck bling. I LOVE it. L.O.V.E it! Like “I found a new boyfriend” kind of like! That’s how much I love the deck!!

It’s the little things that make me happy now a-days! And by little, I mean bling for a deck, a lawnmower; shit I always had or never thought I would need. (Or that would make me so happy)

Another realization, with the sudden happiness and satisfaction of “little” things, my life seems to be a little simpler, a little easier.

Or maybe the lack of stress allows the real, meaningful and purposeful moments to be more evident or present to me.  Whatever it is, instead of over-analyzing it, I’m going to enjoy it and embrace each second.

I am proud of myself! And if I didn’t have an extra 30 pounds on me from having another baby, I would probably pat myself on the back. But I don’t want to see my arm over my head at the moment. (I used to be able to do a lot before the 2^nd baby)

Even though I’m a single mom, I own my house, my bills are current/paid, my girls do not “want” anything w/in reason that I cannot provide for them, I have an amazing job that allows me to switch companies and do the same exact thing for more money and a bonus from both companies. I have wonderful friends. I have new friends who are equally wonderful. My dog still licks my face when I get home from work. My oldest cleans when she wants something. (I think this is so cute) and my baby thinks the world of me.

We have an amazing church with an amazing church family who has helped me learn A LOT, too many things to type actually. I have grown personally and spiritually SO much in the past 5 months. I pray; I thank GOD for the good and the not so good times in my life. Sometimes the gift of free will… gets the best of me. But thankfully I know where I’m supposed to be and I’m very fortunate to have people in my life to help me and guide me if I lose my ground.

We’re not supposed to go through our life by ourselves.  By nature I’m fiercely independent and it has taken me 3 marriages, a sabbatical from my family in PA, 2 kids, some very deep dark moments, bad judgment, horrible mistakes, drunken nights and even a lot of days, to realize that I’m not as big as I think I am. It’s not a weakness to share your burdens, and it’s not a contest to help others before yourself, and when you fall to your knees… it’s NOT an accident; you’re there for a reason, a purpose. Stay there for a while and let it go, you won’t be sorry!

I am thankful, grateful, and loved! Xoxo!

No MORE!

Heads up... I'm no longer seeking the approval of others.

Work and Care Bears... LarBears.. Family

This began as a work rant email to my 2 coworkers in 2009. 

To rant back and forth was completely normal and our little way of maintaining sanity when we had no idea we were inadvertently standing in the way of solving real world war time problems.. at least that’s how it was interpreted to us. 

Our BOSS then: He recently retired after having served our government for over 30 years in many different capacities. As he used to say, back then, they used to get things DONE. And by done, I mean, good old fashioned “Walking down the hallway to route a financial package”. And by “financial package”, I mean, approval and funding for the latest widget for our war fighter, and by “route”, I mean he would literally walk the halls of the Pentagon to the next person on the list, charm, I mean talk, then hand said person a pen and wait for a scribble. His name was Larry and he reminded us of a scruffy Teddy Bear, you know that one that you absolutely love but he makes you angry sometimes? He has the ability to rapidly increase your level of frustration which should require medication and then w/in seconds he turns around and smiles at you and everything is fine. For all these reasons we dubbed him LarBear (his name Larry) and we soon became known as the Care Bears. 

I was curious and did some research to connect us to actual Care Bears and quickly sent this email to my cohorts. 

We care!! Our family!! 

* (JENN - ME) Cheer Bear is a very happy and perky bear, who helps everyone be their happiest and cheer up those who are unhappy. She is pink with a rainbow as her tummy symbol. In the later Nelvana episodes she sports a ponytail and wears a yellow jacket with puffed sleeves. In Care Bears: Adventures in Care-a-Lot , she has a short ponytail with a rainbow ribbon. 

 * (STEPH) Funshine Bear loves to play and tell jokes all the time, but sometimes forgets that there are times in life you must be serious. He is yellow with a smiling sun on his tummy. Funshine was originally a female Care Bear until 2002. He plays the starring role in Care Bears: Journey to Joke-a-lot . In Care Bears: Adventures in Care-a-Lot , he wears a red baseball cap, and has lost his jokester personal, as it was replaced with his new caring mission of making up games and other fun things. 

 * (TODD) Tenderheart Bear helps everyone show and express their feelings and helps his fellow Care Bears be the most caring they can be. In the 1980s movies and cartoons he was the leader of the Care Bears. He is orange (originally brown) and his tummy symbol is a big red heart with a pink outline. In Care Bears: Adventures in Care-a-Lot , he wears a red heart-shaped backpack. A limited edition white and silver Tenderheart Bear plush (which includes an exclusive DVD) was also released 2007 to commemorate the Care Bears' 25th anniversary. 

UPDATE a few days later: 

* (TODD) I feel more like "I-could-give-a-**** Bear" today. His butt is dragging on the ground and wears a target on his forehead. He drinks way too much coffee and gets roped into way too many tasks. He plays a starring role in "Adventures in SETA-World" and "I-could-give-a-**** Bear Goes Postal." 

 UPDATE a month later, 2010

 * (JENN-ME) Awe... Today I am "New Mom going Crazy Bear" .... W/ baby formula and probably baby puke on both shoulders, hair is frizzy and thirsty as he** for a beer... But there are no more in the fridge. This is a rare bear and its only around for a limited amount if time. This bear also doesn't communicate well as been limited to baby talk, baby cries, baby poop and baby care for the past 10 hours!

UPDATE yesterday, what a difference 2 years makes: 

* (JENN-ME) Jenn is now known as Screw You Bear, the lighter version of "F You" prior to medication. This Bear is made w/ large, fuzzy animated hands, w/ the middle finger sewn in the "up" position permanently. Her Tummy symbol is BLAH because she recently reproduced w/ the Harley Ass hole Bear who has been disbanded and his stuffing removed. He is no longer w/ the Care Bear Family. Her previously short ponytail has turned into an inverted bob w/ a little sass to make her feel better. Screw You Bear will be completely overhauled in the August 2012 time-frame. Stay tuned for a brighter, healthier, cleaner (w/ a name change) Bear addition.

Input from Todd: You forgot about Screw You Bear's tattoo: it's in the shape of pucker with the words "kiss this" placed by her tail. 

So of course, I suggested w/ make small prototypes of said LarBears for fun!