Christmas Brag Letters (oh yes, people still write them, just not me)

I've noticed  a few of the Blogs i read are talking about the brag letters at Christmas time... 

I started to recall years ago, when i was little, of course living w/ my parents. It seemed as if we received a TON of cards and letters. I used to hang them on the door to the basement w/ tape and a few years we actually covered the entire door. Both the cards and letters tapered off as we got older and entered high school.

I remember a family my parents were stationed w/ would send one each year. We had no contact w/ them ALL year and then around the holidays, The Letter would arrive, tucked in a gawdy card, or an old almost yellowing card because it's been in your closet for almost 10 years and you cannot throw that shit away! People, we should feel lucky, we were invited and allowed into their families lives for a few minutes. I almost felt like I was at each and every band concert, swim meet, and church function! ! i really did (not).

Reflecting for a second... on my own life...  What if Jenn were to write a brag letter? An interesting little tidbit covering the past 12 months in my shoes, or in my house? I determined it would be pretty damn similar to 2 other years of my life. And then I realized that I'd prefer not to brag about those moments to people who clearly have other things to do and if they really gave a damn about me, we could totally be friends during the months of January through November. Preferably around April, we could be really really close during my birthday week.

This list below is by no means a "what I'm thankful for". It's just a bulletized list of things normal people would write about because this is normal stuff that happens that parents like to brag about but these things do not end up to be bragging material.  

As we close another year in the (insert last name, I have a few) household... (trashy opening line to grab your attention, it's not a fib though)

• I have an additional mouth to feed, she's actually been around for 2 years - welcome new kid!
• A cat lives with us. I don't like cats. I don't even know his/her name.
• I have another last name but no husband around (this is NOT the first time this has been written on a list - pathetic)
• The teen did not play any sports this year (wtf?)
• Toddler tried dance class (once) and left the room screaming. We will try again next year,  you know, because we have a letter to write in December.
•  Uhm- we have a boat and are on the river  ALL the time. (new thing, yes)
• I am skinny now. (i like this one just as much as the one above, hell yes!) 
• I learned (not first hand, but too close for my comfort level) that drugs are addictive, and drinking and driving are BAD! 
• I judged a few people wrongly, should have looked closer at a few others close to me as well. I've distanced myself from certain people and threw myself at others who are more positive.
• I'm a single parent AGAIN and have an additional child - (goes w/ the first one, but i wanted some sympathy as we close this year out)  

Disclaimer: I notice a pattern too Capt Obvious. Practice a little holiday cheer and restraint and leave me alone! 


And that my friends, wraps up another 365 days. I cannot wait to send this out again next year!

I am thankful, grateful, and loved! Xoxo!

Has it really been over 10 days since I posted anything on my blog? It can’t be true! In my head, I post on here at least every day, sometimes 2 times a day.  

I bought this over the holiday weekend w/ my amazing paycheck from my previous company… I had over 36 days of unused vacation days. 

(www.walmart.com)

 Then the gilt kicked in, happens every single time I buy something for myself, or something that’s not for the girls or someone else. I should mention, I also bought a canopy, 4 patio chairs to go w/ a wrought iron table, an umbrella for same table, lawnmower, inflatable pool, deck plant ($22 bucks, never before have I spent that much money on a plant), wood for parts of the deck that needed replaced.

Previously I have found myself sitting on an empty deck, being eaten alive by mosquitoes, imagining deck bling.

Now, I have deck bling. I LOVE it. L.O.V.E it! Like “I found a new boyfriend” kind of like! That’s how much I love the deck!!

It’s the little things that make me happy now a-days! And by little, I mean bling for a deck, a lawnmower; shit I always had or never thought I would need. (Or that would make me so happy)

Another realization, with the sudden happiness and satisfaction of “little” things, my life seems to be a little simpler, a little easier.

Or maybe the lack of stress allows the real, meaningful and purposeful moments to be more evident or present to me.  Whatever it is, instead of over-analyzing it, I’m going to enjoy it and embrace each second.

I am proud of myself! And if I didn’t have an extra 30 pounds on me from having another baby, I would probably pat myself on the back. But I don’t want to see my arm over my head at the moment. (I used to be able to do a lot before the 2^nd baby)

Even though I’m a single mom, I own my house, my bills are current/paid, my girls do not “want” anything w/in reason that I cannot provide for them, I have an amazing job that allows me to switch companies and do the same exact thing for more money and a bonus from both companies. I have wonderful friends. I have new friends who are equally wonderful. My dog still licks my face when I get home from work. My oldest cleans when she wants something. (I think this is so cute) and my baby thinks the world of me.

We have an amazing church with an amazing church family who has helped me learn A LOT, too many things to type actually. I have grown personally and spiritually SO much in the past 5 months. I pray; I thank GOD for the good and the not so good times in my life. Sometimes the gift of free will… gets the best of me. But thankfully I know where I’m supposed to be and I’m very fortunate to have people in my life to help me and guide me if I lose my ground.

We’re not supposed to go through our life by ourselves.  By nature I’m fiercely independent and it has taken me 3 marriages, a sabbatical from my family in PA, 2 kids, some very deep dark moments, bad judgment, horrible mistakes, drunken nights and even a lot of days, to realize that I’m not as big as I think I am. It’s not a weakness to share your burdens, and it’s not a contest to help others before yourself, and when you fall to your knees… it’s NOT an accident; you’re there for a reason, a purpose. Stay there for a while and let it go, you won’t be sorry!

I am thankful, grateful, and loved! Xoxo!

Go ME! Life is better!

About 20 days ago I posted about my crazy ass timing, losing my mind, balls, and probably should’ve posted my pleas for a normal day.

It’s amazing what a little prayer, hopeful pleading, a few good people, and two wonderful girls can do for a borderline insane, soon to be single mom, wine lover on school nights, kind of person like me.

The original list is below – updates as well because I’m THAT lazy today.

I DO tend to schedule various life crises at the same time.

• Separation/divorce – Done-separated, back to single mommy hood
• Switching companies (same job, different person writing check) – Done – 2^nd day w/ new company
• Signing Bonus/leaving a company after 9.5years – Anxiously awaiting May 25^th and June 8^th for a lot of extra zero’s in my account.
• Negotiating leave balances – Done
• Ensuring medical coverage for my surgery in Aug – Done, however I’ll still worry about this until they send the verification and get the word back.
• Custody/visitation – Rotating schedule has been created and written down on a calendar
• A teenager whose life DOES and SHOULD go on as normal – Going on as normal, however, when the baby is w/ her dad, the teen and I are having some pretty awesome evenings together! I love that girl to death!
• Moving offices (gov’t move, not associated w/ company switch, I work on gov site) – Done, new digs are freakin amazing
• Selling a motorcycle on CL – crazy scammers and stupid people wasting my time – sold! To a shady scary person who drove almost 2 hours to pick it up.
• This crazy ass poison that is still all over my body and itching me to death – has been replaced w/ pieces of glass in my foot… of which only a few have been removed. The glass is on the heel, sort of like the edge of the heel, a very painful area.  

Life is better.

The little one has entered that stage of toddler-hood where she’s pretending. We have “school” while she’s taking a bath. We put her preschool friends down for a nap about a million times a day and pat them gently on their backs and whisper “shhhh shhhh shhh”.

I had an amazing weekend with a few kick-ass people. Saw some old friends and threw back a few a lot of drinks. Listened to some new bands and totally missed Incubus because I’m old and wanted to go home… all day in the sun drinking… makes for a tired woman on her first go round weekend without kids.

The way forward – Me, me and a little more me! I’m a strong woman who can carry a lot on her shoulders and in her head. Everyone and everything has limitations. I found where mine are spiritually and emotionally.

I thank GOD every day for placing me HERE, at this place I’m in today, to navigate the next chapter in my life, for staying w/ me to help me to make appropriate decisions, and for looking ahead and guiding me to the next step.

Go ME!

I thought about this shit… I thought about how I would deal w/ the shit,

I thought about this shit… I thought about how I would deal w/ the shit, address the shit, and get through the shit… and secretly hoped/prayed/wished/ and would have paid big money for the shit to just stay away…

Saturday it happened… I was in a complete funk fog or foggy funk. (I SO want to use the f bomb here)

I was hoping the more beer I drank the more sense my feelings would make to me = Did NOT work.

I was hoping the busier I kept myself packing, going through closets, and stuff I haven’t touched since I bought the house (Aug 11) would drive the pit out of my stomach = Did NOT work.

How in the hell at age 36 do I become such a pansy? (yes, another avoidance of a really bad word)

I’m 36, I’ve been a single parent across the USA from family, in the Air Force, scraping by on my paycheck of an E-3… volunteering for a position 2 ranks ahead of mine, at the PENTAGON.. Driving to Washington DC from Sacramento, CA, packing up an entire house hold of goods, as a single parent…. Where did I get those brass balls?

I did it! I got the special duty assignment, drove across the US, started my home at Bolling AFB, DC, as a single parent.. I’ll never forget the first drive into work. I was driving through the not so pretty at the time part of SE and then I got onto the East/West freeway.. Reading all the exit signs, glancing at all the memorials, checking out the river, and struggling to keep the lump in my throat and avoid calling my mom because I was so intimidated… I looked up and saw the sign for Pentagon – South Parking – North Parking, Go back idiot you missed it. The building was enormous and scared the shit out of me. Parking and walking into the Pentagon I had a feeling I thought I would never feel again. I mean seriously, what else could be SO intimidating for a girl from a little coal mining town in southwestern PA? But i did it... for years, I loved it! I walked around as if I had a set of brass balls!

Well, I’ll tell ya… apparently as you get older, you think, you think WAY too hard, you allow other peoples’ thoughts and views to take up valuable SANE space in your brain and heart and belly….

Seriously WHERE ARE MY BALLS now?

Saturday (and Sunday) I hate you, I never want to feel you again!

I DO tend to schedule various life crises at the same time.

• Separation/divorce
• Switching companies (same job, different person writing check)
• Signing Bonus/leaving a company after 9.5years
• Negotiating leave balances
• Ensuring medical coverage for my surgery in Aug
• Custody/visitation
• A teenager whose life DOES and SHOULD go on as normal
• Moving offices (gov’t move, not associated w/ company switch, I work on gov site)
• Selling a motorcycle on CL – crazy scammers and stupid people wasting my time
• This crazy ass poison that is still all over my body and itching me to death

Where are my BALLS now?  I need them back!

Funny story break – at Sunday School yesterday the teacher asked for prayer concerns. I’ve never asked for prayers for myself and I was very nervous just thinking about saying something.  A few seconds later, words were coming from my mouth, not making any sense, and I’m not even sure the words waited for other people to stop talking. I felt that funny way you feel when you make a weird face because you tasted something bad.. but the bad taste was the words as they exited my mouth.  I asked for prayers because.. and then I mumbled some weird stuff that I do not even remember, then finished up w/ “because I’m a single parent again, and I ‘d like to have some strength and some courage, does that sound right?

That was enough to confirm that I indeed had one heck of a day Saturday and Sunday (to come). 

Saturday I missed G terribly. I yearned for the constant reminder that I AM and WILL continue to be a great mom, provider, and friend.


Sunday I missed G terrible as well. I went to Sunday School AND Church, waited for the hours to go by until she was home. I still felt sick, overwhelmed, scared. I called my mom. I couldn't even get a word out of my mouth, the lump in my throat was smashing my airways... she just started talking though.. she and my nephew were very sick and just returned from the ER and Urgent Care... My feelings suddenly weren't as bad as they felt prior to talking to her. 






Sunday evening was better, my G was home, I was starting to feel a little more confident.. and went to bed early. Poor N was fussy from 12-2 but eventually feel back asleep... and today is Monday. 
 

Today is Monday! By default, items from the above list will fall off.  

• Teenager is home
• Bike will be sold by 7pm tonight
• Written notice to both companies tomorrow
• Office move next Monday
• Paychecks w/ large bonuses will arrive end of May
• Poison should be going away soon (really hope so)

(Wheew, I was ALL over the place up there! I had to get it out.)

So, what happened Jenn? Who is this new person who has feelings of angst, anxiety, and fear? 

Well, I'll tell ya... a completely UN-MEDICATED lunatic w/o balls! 

Before today is over, I will have THEM along w/ enough sanity to get me through each day!






 

To hell w/ last names!

To hell w/ last names!

Dear World: I respectfully request last names be deleted from society.

Please and thank you.

Jenn

We don’t use them for identification purposes anymore – shit, you can buy them online probably as an option to the master’s degree certificates available for purchase.

I don’t think we’re judged based on last names (I’m speaking for non-celebrity types).

Going back to my maiden name is NOT an option! If I change my name one more time, the IT department at work is going to freak out and shut me off. They already have issues every time I call them w/ an issue due to the multiple profiles as a result of multiple last names. (MLNs)

BOOM: That’s IT… previous marriages will now be referred to as MLNs. To say previous marriage (s), yes, w/ an s… sounds extremely trashy (to me) and by (to me), I mean I would totally make fun of me if I weren’t me.

I won’t bore you w/ the past.. And by “won’t bore you”, I mean, I won’t trash it up and explain the MLNs in detail because normally that story is followed up w/ drinks. And it’s currently before noon; Even though I already ate my lunch. (Shit, what the f am I going to do for lunch now?)

Just know that I can justify each MLN and by the end of the story, you will say “awe, Jenn, it’s ok, that’s totally not your fault, you deserve to be happy, you’re great, you’re awesome, you’re amazing”…. Yes, I totally missed my calling, I know.

My maiden name is Slack… for those who don’t know. Hold off, no seriously, hold off on the 3-4 not so funny jokes you’re thinking of because guess what… I’ve heard them before and at age 36, they are NOT funny! At ALL!

I will not be a SLACK again. I will not be any of my MLNs ever again.

To hell w/ last names!

Dear World: I respectfully request last names be deleted from society.

Please and thank you.

No MORE!

Heads up... I'm no longer seeking the approval of others.

A letter to my FOOLISH dear nephew and my condolences on your wedding.

Dear nephew, and your new wifey (soon to be grandma right?)

My only advice to you is DRINK, drink often, and WORK hard and long, work to get away from home... Soon you will wake up and look at yourself in the mirror and ask.. "what the FUCK was I thinking"? It's true, you are the same age as I was when I got married... but we left for the Air Force, we didn't head for the hills and play house w/ a ready made family.

Statistically speaking, your marriage will not last for three reasons: 1- the age difference with regards to gender. 2- your gram/wife should be knocking on menopause's door very very soon (hormones are killer) and you're too young to deal w/ it. Seriously, your first rodeo w/ hormones should be with the mother of your child,  not your wife who will soon go through her change of life.  3- you're a good lookin man... Soon, a young attractive, educated, and secure, woman, will peak your interest and BOOM, that's all it'll take. You'll book it outta her house/hotel faster than she can get get off her back (which is where i hear she is most comfy) and hopefully it's a rainy day and her arthritis is flaring up. (she won't be able to catch a young spry man like yourself)

Realistically, at this point in your life, you should be living w/ other bachelor friends, in Morgantown, WV or somewhere close to your work, going out on weekends or after work, meeting all sorts of people your age. Dating here and there, going camping and hunting. Vacationing often, buying stuff you don't necessarily need but can afford, choosing your first brand new huge honkin Ford F350 diesel, I'll kick or drive over your ass kind of truck!!  Not playing house so that Angie can steal all your money and bribe you into raising her GRANDCHILD!

Seriously, you have been taken for granted, the very heavy and thick wool has been pulled over your eyes. And as I was when I was 19/20, I KNEW EVERYTHING. and the more people pushed me the faster i ran towards disaster.  You my dear have come close to breaking the sound barrier. Your nickname should be Sonic Slack or something like that. (hey, if not for my humor, I'll become famous for my rap skilz)

Lastly, to each their own. You will learn at your own pace, and you will react accordingly.

However I had to say my piece, did you really think Aunt Jenn could sit here and keep quiet? With all these material you've placed in my lap, I can't fathom why Jerry Springer's staff hasn't knocked on my door yet.

I will definitely have to pray to God, I totally fell OFF the wagon and let my emotions get the best of me and take over my fingers as I typed this.

I know this will make you angry, It should, NOT because I said something about your gram/wife but because deep down inside YOU know you're better, smarter, and you should have done things differently. You may not understand this now because she's clearly marketed herself as the "place to be" but underneath that stubborn physique your have a heart that's larger than anyone I know. You have the unfortunate desire to SAVE everyone even if that means hurting yourself in the process... Meet your Aunt Jenn, I learned that the hard way as well. Pap and Gram LOVE you SO much. Please be careful around them and please take some extra precautions regarding their feelings, so that Pap doesn't have another heart attack! Remember they are MY parents and secondly YOUR grand parents. We, your mom, myself, YOU, Genesis and Zach all OWE it to them, to live a relaxing life, and enjoy their retirement. They are not officials or referees. Do not force them into either of those positions.